Should statements: a cognitive distortion

Should statements are thinking that things must or should be a certain way, for yourself or other people. They can set very high, sometimes unrealistic expectations.

  • Free
  • No account
  • Nothing you type in the tools leaves your device

Examples of should statements

Should statements say how things must or should be. “I should be over this by now.” “They should have known.” Notice who each one is aimed at, you, someone else or the world in general, and whether you ever agreed to it.

The examples below are made up, to show the pattern.

  • At work

    There are still forty unread emails at the end of the day.

    “I should be able to handle all of this without falling behind.”

    More balanced: I’d like to keep up. Forty are still unread; I can pick the ones that matter for tomorrow morning.

  • In a relationship

    Your partner forgets to pick up milk on the way home.

    “He should know I need it for the morning.”

    More balanced: I’d prefer he remembered. Next time I can ask him to pick it up before he heads home.

  • About yourself

    You still feel nervous before speaking up in meetings, and you speak up every week.

    “I shouldn’t still get nervous at my age.”

    More balanced: I get nervous, and I speak up anyway. Both are true.

How to catch should statements

When the thought shows up, put these to it, ideally in writing:

  • Whose rule is this, and where did I pick it up?
  • What changes if I swap “should” for “I’d prefer”?
  • Would I hold a friend to this rule?
  • Is this rule helping me act, or only making me feel bad?

Try it on a thought

Does it contain this trap?

Not a positive spin: what you would say if you stuck to what you know.

Check it against every trap

If the thought is unwanted and keeps pushing you to check things or ask for reassurance, this tool is not the right kind of help for it. Read about OCD on the NHS website.

Questions people ask

Are all should statements unhelpful?

No. “I should leave by eight to catch the train” is just planning. The ones worth a second look set very high, sometimes unrealistic expectations, and the ones that turn a preference into a demand on someone else.

What can I say instead of “should”?

Try “I’d like to”, “I’d prefer” or “it would help if”. The goal stays the same; what changes is that it becomes something you want rather than a demand.

When to get help

These are self-help tools, not medical advice or a diagnosis. Talk to a doctor, or to one of the lines below, if:

  • you have thoughts of harming yourself (see the lines below).
  • you feel low or hopeless, and it is not lifting. The NHS suggests seeing a GP if you have had a low mood for more than 2 weeks, or if the things you are trying yourself are not helping.
  • the worry is getting in the way of your daily life. The NHS suggests talking to a GP if anxiety is affecting your daily life.
  • the thoughts feel unwanted and push you to check things or ask for reassurance again and again. OCD involves unwanted, intrusive thoughts that keep coming back, and compulsions such as asking for reassurance or checking. The NHS says it is important to get help if it has a significant impact on your life.

Lines you can call

  • US:988 Suicide & Crisis LifelineCall or text 988Free and confidential, 24/7. You can also chat at 988lifeline.org.
  • UK & Ireland:Samaritans116 123Free to call, day or night.
  • England:NHS 111111, mental health optionUrgent help from the NHS when it is not an emergency.

In the US, in life-threatening situations, call 911. In the UK, if someone's life is at risk, call 999 or go to A&E. For urgent help in England, use NHS 111 online or call 111 and choose the mental health option. Elsewhere, call your local emergency number.

Sources

  1. Rnic K, Dozois DJA, Martin RA (2016). Cognitive Distortions, Humor Styles, and Depression. Europe's Journal of Psychology 12(3):348–362. PMC4991044
  2. Unhelpful Thinking Styles. Royal National Orthopaedic Hospital NHS Trust. rnoh.nhs.uk
  3. Low mood, sadness and depression. NHS. nhs.uk
  4. Anxiety. NHS Every Mind Matters. nhs.uk
  5. Symptoms - Obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD). NHS. nhs.uk
  6. Where to get urgent help for mental health. NHS. nhs.uk
  7. Suicide Prevention. National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH). nimh.nih.gov
  8. 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. 988lifeline.org
  9. Contact a Samaritan. Samaritans. samaritans.org

Sources checked claim by claim by an AI review. Approved for publishing by Oleksii Y. on 2026-10-05.

A calmer mind, in your pocket

We're building a companion app for anxious, looping thoughts. It isn't out yet. Leave your email to hear when it launches.