How to stop overthinking what people think of you

This page is for the background worry that carries on whether or not anything happened today: what the new team makes of you, what the other parents say once you have left, whether a friend group still wants you around. It is about a group or a person, over weeks, rather than one exchange.

If a single conversation keeps playing on repeat, the conversation replay fits better. If it started with a mistake you made, try the mistake check.

In studies of the "spotlight effect", people overestimated how much others noticed their appearance, and how prominent their own comments were in a group discussion.

The fourth step leans on that. Picture an ordinary week for the people you are worried about, with their own jobs, families and worries in it, and write down honestly how much of it goes on you.

In five studies, people who had just talked with someone new (strangers in a lab, first-year students getting to know their dorm mates, adults at a workshop) underestimated how much the other person liked them and enjoyed their company. The researchers call this the "liking gap". In two of those studies, the signs that the other person liked them were there to see; the researchers suggest people were too focused on their own self-critical thoughts to notice them.

So the third step, right after the verdict you fear, asks you to list what they have actually said and done toward you, neutral things included. An invitation, a thank-you or a question about your weekend goes on the list even if it felt small at the time.

In four studies, people who imagined a social blunder, failed at an intellectual task in public, or were described in an embarrassing way expected others to judge them more harshly than the others actually did. Part of the reason: they were focused on their own mishap and overlooked the circumstances that soften how onlookers see it.

The trap called “borrowing your inner critic” is one to watch for here: assuming others rate you the way you rate yourself. The fifth step asks what their opinion would actually change, so the few views that matter for a job, a friendship or a plan get your attention, and the rest can stay theirs.